I wake up with pain and blood on the morning of July 16, 2013.This is not new, and yet it felt new. The nurse puts me back on the baby monitor immediately - the baby is fine. Whew. The doctor comes in to check me - I am not fine. I'm still measuring 4.5 cm, but my bag of water is bulging and she can feel the baby's foot.
"I'm sorry, I think we will need to proceed with the c-section."
I freak out. I call Eugene and he doesn't answer (granted, this is at 6:30am). I call my doula and she tells me she'll be there as fast as she can. Eugene finally picks up and I am a wreck. What are we going to do about Gideon? What if this happens today? In the next hour? I need him there. Now.
I get wheeled into the Labor and Delivery ward (closer to the operating room) and I have a full blown breakdown. The attending there is sympathetic and comforting. She holds my hand and just lets me cry, and cry I did. Will my baby be okay? Will she survive? Will she develop properly? What will happen to her? How long will she have to stay in the hospital? Why does this keep happening? Why can't I carry a child to term? Next thing I know, I have a nosebleed. That's something new (I have never had a nosebleed in my life).
The attending calms me down and tells me they will restart the magnesium with a loading dose first (my magnesium had just been turned off at 6:00am after a two day maintenance course). I expect the hot flush and drowsiness to kick in soon, but I never thought that I would be knocked practically unconscious. One minute, I'm talking with the doctor and my mom on the phone, the next, I'm half waking up to doctors and nurses surrounding my bed shaking me, trying to wake me up, asking me where I was. So this is what it feels like to not be alert and oriented. The magnesium gets turned down and I come back to reality. Good news - my water bag is no longer bulging and I am starting to stabilize again. But just to be safe, I'm kept in L&D for observation.
The remainder of the day is uneventful. I get an epidural catheter placed just in case a c-section is performed in the next three days and I get a foley catheter (definitely not fun). Eugene and Gideon stay with me all day as I drift in and out of sleep. I start worrying about my little boy now. I have only been in the hospital for a few days, but what's the impact on a little three year old? Eugene tells me he's fine, but I can't help but worry. How will this affect him? He is already scared of the IV in my right arm and refuses to kiss me from the right side of the bed. And is it me, but is he already withdrawing away from me? Eugene says it's all in my head, but with the rush of emotions flowing through me, I can't help but wonder.
6:00pm - The doctors come in again and tell me I'm stable. It's time to move me back to ante partum and let me eat. Good news. I send Eugene and Gideon off to the cafeteria to get dinner. They were only gone for 15 minutes. Lots of things can change in 15 minutes. Say, contractions picking up every 5 minutes. Change of plans, I'm staying in L&D and I'm going to be restarted on the magnesium. Great. Thirty minutes pass and suddenly, everything is different. The contractions begin to feel familiar. These are now labor contractions. They've picked up in pace too - now every three minutes. This is not good. I start breathing through each contraction as they get more and more painful. Eugene starts to look very worried. As the contractions get more and more painful, I realize something. If this had happened 12 weeks later, I could have done it without the epidural. I was enduring the pain in a way I never thought I could. I was at peace with each contraction as they came on, breathing in and out with each ride. The doctors come in and check me again. 6 cm dilated with a breached baby and my bag of water is bulging again. It is time.
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